Take More Risks

Tired of spending Christmas Day alone around your computer? Learn how to embrace the season as a geek and get the most out of the holiday with this practical survival guide!

• Refuse to acknowledge the existence of distant relatives who’ve arrived at your house for dinner. If they ask you whether you’re still interested in computers, simply grunt at them. It’s important that you don’t address them by name or make eye contact. It’s a sign of weakness.
• Disappear off to your bedroom at the earliest possible opportunity. Remember the internet will likely collapse in your absence, especially on Christmas Day! Leave the table early if necessary. When you get up, make sure you smack your knees off the table. Aim to knock at least three plates off. Hell! Why not go for 4?
• You can avoid all social interaction at the table by bringing your cellphone/PDA/blackberry along with you. Turn up the volume on your device to full, just so that everyone knows that you’re busy. If people continue trying to communicate with you - start tapping your gadget against the table with increasing force. It doesn’t matter whether you break it or not. Actually, it’s probably better that you do. Pretend you can afford at least 10 of them before retreating to your room in tears!
• If any of your younger relatives receive a computer for Christmas, immediately seize control of it! At first pretend that you’re only helping with the installation. As the hours progress become ever more posessive over it. Tell them that it’s yours and that they are too stupid to operate it anyway.
• If the computer is running Windows - snap the install disc in half - reformat the hard drive and install the most obscure distrubution of Linux that you can find. Now sit back in amusement as your relative stares blankly at the command line. This should last as long as it takes for an older relative to leather you.
• If you’re offered wine - take it. Don’t drink out of a glass - take a heroic slug out of the bottle. If you have a pocket calculator at hand - keep note of the amount of units you have consumed at all times. Once you’ve passed the 3 unit mark proclaim yourself as the god of wine. Then proceed to be heroicly sick all over your family.
• Now lock yourself in the bathroom and ignore anyone who knocks on the door as a checkup. Spend the next 3 to 4 hours perched on the toilet seat checking your emails. Email your e-partner in Japan about what a horrible day you’ve had and how your family suck.
• You might also want to spend the day destroying your relatives faith in God. Try dancing to ABBA after you’ve had too much wine. It’ll work a treat.
• You could always hide all of your relatives presents, returning them on the condition that they get a predefined number of questions right in a Star Trek pop quiz. If you want to be particularly mean - make up random answers. This should stop even the die hard Trekkie from having a Merry Christmas.