10 Surefire Signs That You’re Hopelessly Addicted to the Internet

by Matt on Oct.30, 2006, under Ramblings

Chances are that by even setting eyes upon this story, you are a net addict. If even one of the points below applies to you, you have absolutely no chance of recovering from your addiction and it will be a downward spiral into destitution 2.0 from here on in.

Do you regularly dream about surfing online? Do you have difficulty recalling your last dream that did not involve the Internet? Could you have sworn that the email you wrote to your colleague in your sleep last night with the subject line “TONGUE KISS ME NOW PLEASE - LOL” was real?
Do your pets just seemingly disappear? When was the last time you fed Fluffy? Have you abandoned all hope of keeping an animal for more than a month opting to keep robotic pal next time around?
When you are away from the keyboard in another room and hear the new email notification chime, have you ever rushed in, opened up your email inbox, found it’s only spam and subsequently punched the monitor repeatedly/burst into tears/urinated all over your keyboard in disgust.
Presuming that you’re not already in possession of an uninterruptible power supply, during power outages do you sit impatiently at your keyboard waiting for the power to come back on, shunning your family and friends?
When you’re sitting on the toilet do you conjure up plans to create the next killer Web 2.0 application that simply disintegrate when you return to the keyboard? Have you ever considered shipping your desktop into the restroom just so that the next time you’re inspired, you can act on it straight away?
When you wake up in the morning do you actually let your eyes open before you turn on the monitor?
If you answered no to the previous question, have you since caused irreparable damage to your retinas? Can’t you focus without seeing your David Hasselhoff wallpaper?
When relatives have the audacity to interrupt your net sessions, do you refuse to acknowledge their existence? Have you ever considered wiring up a live current to your bedroom door handle as a future deterrent?
Do you regularly slip LOL’s and LMAO’s into conversations with people who aren’t familiar with the internet? Do you label them n00b’s when they tell you that they don’t have a fucking clue what you’re talking about?
Have you made arrangements for your own funeral which incorporates a wi-fi enabled system into the side of your coffin just in case you happen to wakeup?